Saturday, December 20, 2008

The 12 Days of Drunkmas


This one is for my Drunkcle. His stumbling, beer-reeking, slurred speech presence on Christmas Eve was always sure to ruin the family festivities. He would cop a feel of my cousin's (his niece) ass, accuse my dad of stealing his record albums and then regale us all with stories of his youth spent in Blues bars. Allegedly he was almost pummeled by the negros in the bar until the Blues singer yelled down from the stage, "Let that white boy dance!". This is my dear old Drunkcle, but since it seems everyone has a Drunkcle, feel free to change this to suit your own family lore this holiday season.

On the 1st day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked Cheri*, for two sloppy brinskis* and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, three frozen dog turds*, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 4th day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked from me, four rides to Rollo's*, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 5th day of Christmas, Drunkcle showed to me, 5 REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 6th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 6 stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 7th day of Christmas, Drunkcle stood next to me, 7 inches over 4 ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 8th day of Christmas, Drunkcle yelled at me, 8 milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 9th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 9 white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 10th day of Christmas, Drunkcle came to me, 10 fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, 11 ashtrays overflowing, ten fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 12th day of Christmas, Drunkcle drank for me, a 12 pack of Budweiser, eleven ashtrays overflowing, ten fist a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

Happy Holidays from my white trash family to yours!

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*Cheri - slutty former stipper cousin with a tattoo of a money bag on her ass.

*Brinski- the act of placing your face in a women's cleavage and making a raspberry noise with your mouth while shaking your head from side to side.

*Frozen Dog Turds- what Drunkcle stepped in, causing an argument with my father, claiming they were from my parent's dog.

*Rollo's- Drunkcle's favorite bar. Where I mailed him the invitation to my wedding as there was no other way to get in touch with him.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Delish Asshat




Ok I have a question for you. What the fuck is the point of abbreviating something if each and everytime you use the abbreviation, you explain what it's short for? You're just making the sentence longer and you're ANNOYING THE SHIT OUTTA ME. Stick that in your EVOO and smoke it!
Thirty minute meals my ass. Yes they can be made in thirty minutes...if you buy the fresh, deveined, shelled shrimp, which run about more money per pound, if you can slice and dice better than Ron Popiel and if are uninterrupted by other members of your household. If you're a graduate of The Culinary Institute of America and have lots of money to spend on specialty items this is possible. In my house it takes me more than thirty minutes to make a goddamned peanut butter and jelly sandwich with all I have going on.
Oh and the language all her own. When she exclaims "Yummo!" while eating one of her "sammys". And the giggle. THE FUCKING GIGGLE! Nobody over the age of 17 should giggle least of all a multi-million dollar chef who is teaching people how to cook. I don't know which of these things kick in the gag reflex or if it's a combination of all of the above.
Ok I just put on her talk show to see what it was all about and it's worse than her fucking cooking shows! She's kvelling and ass kissing so bad she's gonna need a load of Chapstik after the show! I actually feel embarrassed watching her. I had to turn her off after about five minutes.
For now I'll stick to watching Tony Bourdain. I love his cynical ways and snarky attitude. Just my kind of guy. Begone Rachael Ray! And take your Asshat of the Day award with you!

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Sunday, December 7, 2008

Real Asshats Of Atlanta




I was watching Real Housewives of Atlanta the other day. Yes I know shame on me. But one of the women, I think her name is DeShawn, made me laugh. Apparently she's married to a basketball player. I don't follow basketball, or any sport for that matter, so I don't know who he is. So she's getting her children ready for school in the morning and the voice over is complaining about her husband being on the road six days a week and it's so hard for her to do this alone. Like a single parent. Yeah...with a cook, a housekeeper, a personal assistant who doubles as an "estate manager", a hair person and a make up person. Can you believe the BALLS on this woman? She should only have a hint of what it would be like to be a single parent, raising three children who has to hold down at least one job. I know she's very charitable but how dare she compare herself to a single parent! I sat here with my jaw in my lap when she ever said that. I mean she seems like a nice lady don't get me wrong but her perception of other people's reality is definitely skewed.
Also that show should not be called the real ANYTHING. None of those shows should have the word real in them. Most of those women are a real as their hair or their boobs. It should be called "The Rich, Pompous and Fake Housewives" of wherever.
And oh btw...Kim? Get a new hairdresser. That mess you have on your head in no way shape or form passes as hair. I looks like a hat. See picture above of Kim.



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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Food Bloggers

Dear Food Bloggers,

There is a reason that magazines and advertisers use a food stylist for their pictures. If you think these pictures look appetizing, it is time to get out of the trailer park a little more often.





Monday, November 10, 2008

Fertility Friends

So, the other day, I stumbled upon the Deliverance of blogs. I could hear the banjos playing and I ran for my life, but not before I had a good looky-loo around.

It appears that these women were once participants on a website called Fertility Friends and against all better judgment, some of these inbreds decided they needed to have more ignorant offspring. From what I gather, lots of people on the site felt that a few of them, namely this one woman, Teresa, shouldn't have more kids, and in fact, maybe they should drown the ones they have.

Well, Teresa Queen of Asshatery and her Ignorant Ladies in Waiting have been traveling the internet in search of support of their ill-conceived (pun intended) uterine science experiments. I won't pretend to know what the Ignorant Ladies in Waiting find appealing about this Teresa, because they actually seems like they can find their ass with both hands. Teresa not so much.

Here is a sample of the class and intelligence that is Teresa:


Yes, that is Teresa's grandson in the bottom picture. Yes, he is holding a real handgun. Yes, the caption of the picture says, "Thomas has a message for Obama".

These Ignorant Ladies in Waiting shouldn't be allowing all this hateful energy that is just OOZING off Teresa Queen of Asshatery. It can't be good for the environment in their wombs. Instead they should reporting this fuckwad to the F.B of I. Instead, like good little courtiers they follow Queeny where ever she goes and support her tom-toolery.

Ladies (Ignorant one of Waiting), I suggest you let Teresa run amok unsupported and once again allow positive energy to enter your life.

Teresa, you ma'am will forever reign as the Queen of all that is Asshat. My fervant hope is that you do have any more inbred asshat spawn to spread your message of douchebagery and hatred of all.

Enjoy the title sweetheart, you wear it well.
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Friday, October 31, 2008

Right Wing Religious Wackos

Why do they always seem to be most noticable around election time? Did Jesus tell them the
Apocolypse supposed to take place on an election year and they're putting us all on notice?
And why are they all Republican?

Any forum I've been to lately each and every person who is an Obama hater claims to be a
good Christian. They're the first ones to bring up Senator Obama's middle name as if having a
Muslim name means he's a terrorist. They're the ones saying they're afraid to have a black
president because they think "the blacks will take over." They're the ones who are willing to
vote for a ticket that has a woman on it who was blessed against witchcraft! A woman, no less,
who claims to be a good Christian! I have to say though she is the personification of the
people I'm talking about. Not very intelligent, misleading, name caller, double talker and one
who thinks she's in on the joke when, in reality, she IS the joke.

They have no qualms about out and out lying and misquoting news articles. Well I guess since
a lot of them misquote the Bible, misquoting CNN is no biggie.

Why do they claim Senator Obama is evil? What's he done that's evil? He's married with
children. His family adores him. He's a brilliant man who has given back to his community.
He's more of a Christian than his opponent! I understand that not everyone agrees with his
politics but why do Christians go after him on a personal level rather than attacking his
policies? I can only surmise that they don't know his policies so they attack his race and his
name. Unfortunately closed minds don't come with closed mouths.

What happened to love thy neighbor? Let he without sin cast the first stone? Granted, my
Catholic school upbringing may be a bit rusty but from what I remember Jesus taught to love
and let God be the judge.

So the thorny crown asshat goes to you Christians who claim to love God and his son yet aren't
very Christlike.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The "Colorblind"


When someone says, “I am color blind, I just don’t see color when it comes to people”, I want to slap them.

First, you are a fucking liar. We all SEE color, we may not judge someone based upon that color, but you see it, you are aware of it. To deny that someone you know or meet is a different race then you is to ignore part of who they are. Unfortunately in our society it is only the white folk who have the luxury of claiming colorblindness, because every black, asian, native, middle eastern person in this hilarious melting pot of ours knows all too well their color.

Second, look toolhole, to say you are colorblind, or are raising your children colorblind, or have a black friend because you are so damn colorblind, is really saying that you see all people as white. You see all “colored” people as being as good as white. So, you see the color, but you choose to erase it with your Caucasian colored glasses and paint them with the whitey brush. How generous of you.

Asshats of colorblindedness, please stop using terms like colorblind when it comes to race and start just accepting people (or not) for who they are. “Colorblind” implies you are still judging based on color, but are choosing to give the benefit of the doubt. While we’re at it, I better not hear you use the words, “reverse racism” either, or I will have to bitch slap an asshat.
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Board Member of My Building


Everyone knows you're cheap. That's why you're always looking for someone else to foot the bill, namely the building. You make trouble for a new building going up next door by filing false claims against them. You fail to realize that these will be our neighbors and it would benefit you to be nice to them instead of being evil. Your pomposity far outweighs your intelligence so maybe you should check yourself.

You may not know it, but the other board members also think you're an asshat. They laugh at the fact that you were the one to push for the redecorating of the building and now you're the first to complain that there's no money left in the building's fund. That's what happens when you go $100k over budget. You don't show up for meetings because you know people are going to call you out on your shit. Everyone laughs because you're intimidated by another board member. I think what intimidates you is that she doesn't take your shit because you're wrong and she's right and she has no qualms about telling you so.

Your ass is as tight as your jaw. That's why you sound like Thurston Howel III, Lovey. You're so nosy that you had to join the community board so you can find out what's going on and dish about it. You're like an old yenta. But that's ok. One day you'll need something and nobody will be willing to help you out. Maybe you should stick to what you know and let professionals handle the rest.

Now go back to your hoarding in your filthy apartment and let everyone else be, Asshat.
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Monday, October 27, 2008

The "Drop-Iners"


I hate people who just “drop-in” or just “pop by to say hi” or “stop by to see if the kids could play for a bit”. Ok, no. How about this, when you would like to impose yourself and/or your asshat, rugrat children on my life and day, pick up the damn phone first!

Unless you are family or my very dearest friend, chances are, I don’t want you “popping in”. Some days the house is a wreck, and as an acquaintance, I don’t feel comfortable having you see our daily mess. Some days I am still in pajamas at 4 o’clock and haven’t gotten my chance to shower yet. Some days I have things going on that are none of your business. Some days I just don’t want to entertain you, I want to sit and vegetate on my very comfortable couch, sometimes with no bra on. Every day, the baby takes a nap, the kids have school and I need to get dinner going. I guess your mother never taught you the common courtesy of respecting others and their space.

So, here’s the deal, asshat. Next time you think it would be a good idea to drop by, keep driving, keep walking, and let that clever little notion go. Because, I will not be happy to see you, chances are I will not open the door, and if I do, I may shoot you for trespassing. Okay?

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Friday, October 3, 2008

Reborn Doll Mommies


Are you fucking kidding me? Have you seen these dolls? They're creepy to start with and the fact that grown women act as if they're real is just crazy. Something makes me think that the Claymates would go ape for this shit. One woman has over 600 of these dolls! They name them, dress them, put them in car seats and strollers. Some of them take them out with them. THEY TALK TO THEM! At least if they talk to plants, the plants respond. At $1000+ per doll their money would be better spent elsewhere like a charity that helps REAL children. As for wanting to feel a baby in your arms, go to your local hospital and volunteer to be a preemie holder for fuck's sake. I understand if you have a doll collection but to act as if they're real is just an asshat thing to do.
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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Sarah Palin

Somehow we are supposed to buy that this chick should be the next in line for the keys to the White House when McCain dies in office. As he will. Probably on the terlet with a fricken issue of Guns & Ammo resting on his pasty white thighs. Oh the imagery.

So, what do we know about Sarah Palin? She can kill mooseses with her bare hands. She hates polar bears. She is more fearsome than Chuck Norris. She only wants abstinence taught in our schools. Her 17 year-old daughter is pregnant. She has Tina Fey glasses. She wanted to ban books from the local library. She was mayor of the crystal meth capital of Alaska (which is really saying something, because think about it, Alaska is a depressing and boring place to live. Cooking up a little meth has GOT to be just about the only thing one does for entertainment in Alaska. Besides killing moose and having underage sex I mean.). She can see Russia from her house.

Ok, well, I am convinced, how ‘bout you? Does she subscribe to the Bush Doctrine? She doesn’t know. Does she know what the Vice President does all day? No, not so much. Does she have a clue about foreign policy, the economic crisis the country is facing, national health care, how to fix the public school system? Yeah, no.

Some more things she does know: how to have affairs with her husband’s best friend, how to steal federal money while claiming that she didn’t, she names her kids bizarre things like Track and Trig, she would make her daughter “choose” life even if she was raped, even if she was raped by daddy, Todd (pronounced Taaahhhhddd).

Have you seen the Couric and Gibson interviews? I mean come on people! One thing's for sure though, my Tivo won't be missing a second of the debate tonight. That shit is gonna be hilarious!

This woman is gross. I feel like I am watching a madcap made for TV movie staring Melissa Joan Hart as a woman who wins a contest to become the next Vice President of the United States. I have no explanations for what is going on here.

She is frightening. And not in a good kicking ass and taking names kind of way. But in a kicking ass, waiting for the apocalypse, taking names and sending those names to Gitmo kind of way.

Hell no Sarah, I won’t go. You ma’am are an asshat.
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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Trickless Magician

That's what Chris Rock calls David Blaine.

I remember the first time I saw David. I was flipping through the channels and came across a show that was being filmed on a street, in Manhattan, that I recognized. I stopped to see what crazy shit was going on in the East Village. Turns out it was a magic show. I LOVE magic! There was this soft spoken young man doing tricks for a bunch of guys out on the street. Just doing magic. Card tricks primarily. I loved how he was so quiet and unassuming then the next thing you know he's levitating! HOLY SHIT! I'm sure it wasn't the first guy flying down St. Marks place but for sure the first one caught on film.

He had a few other shows that were equally intriguing. In your face tricks. He was he everyman. He travelled the world to show that magic doesn't speak a language..it's fascinating no matter what language you speak. He was so cool and mysterious. I wanted to see more.
Then I see that he's going to be buried alive under 4000 pounds of water, six feet down for a week. What kind of trick is THAT? I saw him do this, via the local news, in NYC. This isn't magic. This is endurance. Or it may be a trick if they switched him out. I don't know. I know I wanted the magic that made him famous not this trickery.

There were other stunts to follow. And I do mean stunts. They were all endurance stunts. Standing on a shelf many feet above the ground, holding his breath, being captive in a giant block of ice. There may be a few others but I stopped keeping track. But this last stunt took the cake.

He was to hang upside down for three days and two nights. Then he was going to do "The Dive of Death" and leap to the ground from six stories up in the air. So he's hanging like a bat and there are reports that people see him taking breaks. TAKING BREAKS? What kind of endurance test is this? Then he does the, drumroll please, DIVE OF DEATH!!!





Wtf is that??? Was that a mistake? Was he supposed to swoop all the way down then fly away astouning onlookers? Was it a fuck up or is it what David Blaine has become? All talk and no action. Some think that it was planned that way, that he had no intention of making the dive but he wanted everyone to think he was going to then he was going to appear to fly away.

He got our attention doing great magic. Now he's become a trickster. He pulled the oldest trick in the book on us..the old bait and switch. He lured us in with his talent as a magician and then switched up to become a snake oil salesman.
I won't be watching anything more that you do David. Sorry but you've become an asshat.
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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

My Republican Friend


You know, I thought you were cute when we first met. You had some tattoos, and funky clothes and you were a young mom, only 24 with a 5 year-old. We started hanging out and getting the kids together for playdates and became friends. I mean, admittedly, your kid was a whiny asshole, and most days I wanted to wear ear plugs around him, but I hung in there and tolerated his toolishness because you were so fun.

Slowly, you started to reveal a little about your personal life. Yes, you got knocked up as a college freshman, and dropped out of college after your first semester. Yes, technically at the time you got knocked up your now husband was someone else’s boyfriend. Yes, you fucked anything that moved and spent a lot of time on your back those first exciting 120 days of college. No wonder you would always turn scarlet when someone would mention the Freshman 15. But hey, shit happens, and since I am a bleeding heart liberal, well I don’t think I should tell anyone what to do with his or her body.

I remember asking you more than once what that nifty and not at all cliché Chinese tattoo on your foot meant and being told it meant “Family”. Awwww, how darling! You commemorated your young little family by getting a tattoo? Back in the cool mom category you go! Oh wait, what, huh, you mean you lied, it really means “Lust”? You got it back in college when you were the dorm pump? Well, Christ on a cracker, you had me snookered. I need to move you over to the, “how well do I know this tramp” category.

Your brand new $250,000 house in the spiffy sub-division, how do you afford that when your husband is a full-time college student and only works summers at Staples? Huh, you mom bought it for you? Um, okay, I completely understand how a knocked up college dropout and her student husband need a place to live together off campus. Totally. The Durango and the Sebring? Uh-huh, well sure you have to have transportation, I’m just saying that you know, under the circumstances most people would be driving a beat-up mini van, but if mom can afford it why not. How can you afford a trip to Florida with your family on a private plane? Oh, I see, well, no I had no idea your dad had that kind of money, weeeeee, how cool is that! I love when we go shopping together, I have always wondered how you can dress yourself and your son in Tommy and Calvin, you must know a great place for bargains! Wow, you have a pretty fancy credit card there, how do you swing those payments? Mom? Yup. OK. GOT IT. Yay, you and hubby are trying for a second baby!!! What does your mom have to say about this? Yes, a finished basement playroom is a spectacular idea if you are going to have two kids in your 5-bedroom house. You moved? What did you do with your house in this market?? It sold? WOW! What good fortune, oh, I’m sorry to hear your mom had to write a check for $60,000 to the mortgage company in order to pay off the house. What a shame.

So, wow, you are having a pretty charmed life, right? So, why is it that I am constantly hearing how much you love Bush, hate welfare mothers, single mothers, single-welfare mothers with more than one kid and people who get abortions? I mean, surely you understand that not every college Freshman who finds herself carrying someone else’s boyfriends seed can tell their mom and dad, and expect a cushy, lavish life. And sure, you are not living on the state’s dime, but you ARE getting welfare.

I hear you railing against the Democrats and saying that they want to turn us into a communist country. As we stand in line at the grocery store I hear you huff and watch you roll your eyes as the mother in front of us pays for her groceries with food stamps. I hear you say abortion should be illegal because, hey, you didn’t have one! I listen to you bitch about the public school system and praise the voucher program, while your son, and nephews go to an $11,000 a year private Elementary school. And, the one that really makes my ass sweat is the one where you say you love John McCain and Sarah Palin and that we need them in the White House. Because, you say, they will stop letting slutty women with loose morals get a free ride (haha) on the taxpayer dime.

Ok, well, see, YOU are a slutty woman with loose morals who is getting, and has gotten, many a free ride in her day. The next time you roll your eyes at a mother who uses WIC coupons at the checkout, and mutter, “get a job” under your breath, stop and think. Where would you be if mommy and daddy didn’t have enough money to bankroll your entire adult life? Let’s face it; they even buy your groceries, diapers and tampons. You know, congratulations, you didn’t have an abortion. It was probably the smartest decision you ever made because now you can lay around watching Oprah and getting knocked up while mom supports your lazy ass. You want to talk about getting a job? How many jobs have you had? You are 28 years old and have never worked a day in your life. But, you are gonna gnash your teeth about the welfare-working-for-minimum-wage mother who thinks it might actually be less expensive to quit working and just collect from the state?

You know, do us all a favor, and stay home on November 4th. Until you have been a tax-paying member of society, you voice doesn’t need to be heard. You’re an asshat moocher who needs a few lessons in the realities of life before you should be allowed to have an opinion about anything that affects my family and me. You and your family will be fine, I’m sure your dad has some really plush fallout shelter you can all retreat to should the economy take a shitter and hungry hoards start pillaging and marauding. Why wait, why don’t you head on down there right now.
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http://www.blogcatalog.com/directory/humor/observational-humor

Monday, September 29, 2008

Elisabeth Hasselbeck


I've been a fan of The View for many years. I've watched the Star Jones gimme-a-thon for her wedding, the departure of Meredith Viera, the fun and electricity that Rosie brought to the show. I've laughed quite a bit and, I hate to admit, shed a few tears during the run of this show. But I think I may have reached my breaking point and I'll tell you why.

In a word, Elisabeth. She annoys me to the nth degree. It's not because she's a way right Republican. It's not because she constantly misquotes Democratic politicians, to the point recently that Barbara Walters had to find the specific quote and correct her. It's not because she blindly follows the GOP without question. It's not even because she refuses to see fault with her party when it's painfully obvious to us all.

The reason I'm ready to hang up my View hat is because of Elisabeth's inability to see beyond herself. She cannot see that what may be right for her, may not be right for everyone else. That she feels that you should vote and think as she does or not do so at all. Her inabilty to empathize with anyone other than those who think like her is amazing to me. I never begrudge her her personal beliefs so why does she begrudge me mine?

The other day, on the show, someone used Joe Biden as an example. They said he's Catholic and believes that life starts at conception yet he's pro choice because he will not foist his personal beliefs on his constituants. Why can't she do the same? Why can she not remove her personal feelings from decisions that are being made for a nation?

I feel that she interrupts constantly to get her point across yet refuses to even listen to an opposing point of view. Isn't that what she was hired for? To listen to other women's point of view? I find her eye rolling and head shaking so disrespectful that it makes me wonder why one of the other women on the panel doesn't make mention of it.

I'd love for the program to replace her with a strong, intelligent Republican woman who can say "Hey this is how I believe and I respect and understand that you don't feel the same."
She really should go back to designing. Where she doesn't have to talk.

Cheers Elisabeth! You're my asshat for today!
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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Ann


The pathological liar. You lie about everything from your fake claims of cancer to the state of your marriage. You tell everyone that you and your husband are seperated so you can garner sympathy and food stamps.

You've told people you had breast cancer but we know you didn't because we had a friend at the hospital you went to for your fake treatments who told us you were not being treated for cancer. You told people that Make a Wish bought your kids $500 worth of American Girl dolls and clothes but Make a Wish grants wishes only for dying children. Where'd you get the $500? Oh that's right. You probably stole it from the school kitty. We all notice that you make sure you do all the monetary collections for your kids classes and handle all the money at bake sales.

We know you weren't by Ground Zero on 9/11. The timing was off. And how could your then 2 month old child be emotionally scarred from an event she can't remember? You're the one who is intentionally scarring her so you can receive survivor benefits.

Oh and about you being a model in the 80s? You have to be taller than 5 feet. They don't hire people under five feet tall to model. Everyone also knows you're don't have hearing loss that you just say that so you can keep on collecting those disability checks. I guess the carpel tunnel claim didn't work out for you huh?

What you fail to realize is that, not only do we all know you're a liar, your children see it too. You're making them ashamed and making them feel as if they now have to lie to cover your ass. Way to go Mom!

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Friday, September 26, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

My Sister-in-Law


You had more kids than you can afford. I guess, when you're on the state's dime, it's cheaper to keep having kids than use birth control. When your husband left you, you refused to file for child support stating that he loved his kids so much that he would send money. After two years of nothing, you finally filed. I guess you were too busy sitting around smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee to make it to the courthouse. Then when the court ordered him to pay a paltry sum per month for more than 4 kids, you said ok instead of fighting for more money for your children. This money wasn't for YOU but for them. So they never got to play little league, go to Girl Scouts, go on school trips, have nice things because you didn't want to be bothered getting off your ass to get what was due them.

Then when it came to college, you said they can do what they want. As a result, three of them dropped out of high school. Everyone of them could have gone to a good college FOR FREE because of the salary you bring home. Instead of showing them that education is the way out of poverty, you let them drop out of school and bought them cigarettes.

You took charity from family members. Some of us couldn't sit by and watch the phone turned off or the electric turned off so we helped out. And you took it as if it was owed to you instead of being humble and grateful. The only phone calls I've gotten from you in many many years is when you wanted something. And I always obliged. Open arms and open wallet. Yet I never got any other phone calls from you. Not even when my father died.

You sit and put others down because of choices they make in their lives yet you make the laziest choices in your life. When it comes to doing the right thing or the easy thing, you consistantly choose the easy thing. Which, as most of us know, is in the long run, the harder way.

Now your house is in forclosure because you didn't make the enormous payment of $500 a month. You own nothing. You borrow money from your newly adult children (actually have them take banks loans which you expect them to pay back) and tell them, "don't bring me home any lil brown grand babies" Nearing 50, you have nothing of value in your life. You, my dear, are an asshat.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Claymates


Clay Aiken just made my week. Middle-aged fat woman across the country have taken a break from dusting their curio cabinets and bidding on Beanie Babies on eBay, to weep over the shocking news that Clay is…GAY!

Now, I don’t know what it is that appeals to them in the first place about this guy, because he makes my skin crawl, but some of them are taking it very dearly to heart, even going so far as to say that they will no longer be a fan of the comely (I just threw up in my mouth a little) crooner. Here is what his more conservative, and dare I say, fair-weather, fans have to say:

“The Diane Sawyer interview bothered me too. I just pushed it out of my mind. His having Parker with Jaymes pretty much confirmed it for me, so I have slowly been backing away. Now this. I have been a fan from the very beginning and will always admire his voice and quirky personality, but I just can't do this anymore. And I will very much miss, probably as much as Clay, the wonderful and clever chats with those members of this board, and I really mean that. Stupid tears are gunking up my contact lenses.”

“He captured our hearts with his song and then he showed us how to love --
Really love!”

“I am grieving deeply as I will miss that glorious gift of God that is Clay, his voice, his love, his passion. I will miss the fandom. The fun. The comaraderie. I will miss him and I will miss all of you. This tears me apart and pains me greatly. This is one of the most difficult days of my life. I am in deep sorrow that I have to walk away like this now. But I can't stay and live a lie myself, no matter what. No matter how much I love his voice and many things about him. No matter how much I want the experience of being a fan in many ways. I have to do what I believe is right. And no matter how painful that is.
I have given much of the last 5 years to Clay. I have met him 3 times: Book signing, the tour bus and my M&G. I have seen him perform live almost 100 times. I have supported him at other appearances even when he was not singing. I have gone to gala's. I have contributed to UNICEF and the Bubel Aiken Foundation in money and time. I have promoted and defended the man to the hilt in many ways. All choices. My choices. Blessings have been mine the whole time. Though looking back perhaps I gave too much of my life and there has been a down side to my fandom. I have put CLay before God, my husband and my children and friends, often times. But again that was my choice and I believe no good intention, effort, or relationship was a waste. All comes together for the good.”

“I just feel rather silly now having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. It does change my perception of who he is and how I see him. We always called him our boyfriend and that won't be happening anymore. I just am sad, disappointed, and because he is not what I thought he was in terms of his sexuality and how he portrayed himself. He still is a great singer and humanitarian but my "crush" on him is over and that hurts.”

“…my heart is breaking... I have been crying almost from the time I saw it.”

I find it completely heinous that so many of these woman who admit to ignoring their husbands and children in favor of living life as a devout Claymate would be so quick to condemn him. And you know what, good for him. He runs the risk of alienating his fans and plunging the country into further economic crisis as the Claymates forgo their weekly Twinkie rations from the Walmart in the hopes of missing his People magazine cover. How can you fault him for wanting to raise his son to be an honest person who is allowed to be happy, no matter who he turns out to be? Gay is okay ladies, even Liberace was gay. Ooops! I think I may have spilled another can of beans.

I think it boils down to their shame at having masturbated to his pictures and their fantasy that he was going to come to their trailer and sweep them off their Crocs and outta their Hanes Her Way XXL panties.

Seriously ladies, the Hamburger Helper is burning, your Precious Moments figurines are feeling neglected and People’s Court is coming on the tellyvision. So dry your tears, step away from the computer, and get back to the reality that is your miserable life. Jesus may love you, but I know you’re an asshat.