This one is for my Drunkcle. His stumbling, beer-reeking, slurred speech presence on Christmas Eve was always sure to ruin the family festivities. He would cop a feel of my cousin's (his niece) ass, accuse my dad of stealing his record albums and then regale us all with stories of his youth spent in Blues bars. Allegedly he was almost pummeled by the negros in the bar until the Blues singer yelled down from the stage, "Let that white boy dance!". This is my dear old Drunkcle, but since it seems everyone has a Drunkcle, feel free to change this to suit your own family lore this holiday season.
On the 1st day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 2nd day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked Cheri*, for two sloppy brinskis* and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 3rd day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, three frozen dog turds*, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 4th day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked from me, four rides to Rollo's*, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 5th day of Christmas, Drunkcle showed to me, 5 REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 6th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 6 stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 7th day of Christmas, Drunkcle stood next to me, 7 inches over 4 ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 8th day of Christmas, Drunkcle yelled at me, 8 milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 9th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 9 white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 10th day of Christmas, Drunkcle came to me, 10 fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 11th day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, 11 ashtrays overflowing, ten fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.
On the 12th day of Christmas, Drunkcle drank for me, a 12 pack of Budweiser, eleven ashtrays overflowing, ten fist a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.
Happy Holidays from my white trash family to yours!
*Cheri - slutty former stipper cousin with a tattoo of a money bag on her ass.
*Brinski- the act of placing your face in a women's cleavage and making a raspberry noise with your mouth while shaking your head from side to side.
*Frozen Dog Turds- what Drunkcle stepped in, causing an argument with my father, claiming they were from my parent's dog.
*Rollo's- Drunkcle's favorite bar. Where I mailed him the invitation to my wedding as there was no other way to get in touch with him.
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