Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Internet Despots

Eve and I once frequented a website that was a networking site for moms. We'll call it - MomBistro. We met some internet friends, had a few laughs at the expense of others (seriously, you wanna talk asshats, this place is a treasure trove) and generally enjoyed ourselves. Eventually though the power the women who ran this site possessed made them dizzy and twatty. Blogs were deleted, groups were disbanded, members vanished in the night. It was like a good Mob movie, complete with a few virtual horseheads and all.

So, we were invited to join another mom networking site created by one of the disappeared, we'll call her - Cuntney. Oh what a breath of fresh air, what pleasure, what delight to have this great site where everyone was on equal footing and behavior wasn't regulated with the use of brute force or cyber Ritalin. Peace reigned in the valley - for awhile. Cuntney seemingly overnight when from one of the girls to Head Mistress. Cracking the whip and pinning girls down under her cloven feet she loved to take pictures of. Fees were being charged for membership to cliques, girls were jumped and attacked by the pack, picking off the weak or opinionated, one by one. The fur flew, slander was committed and Cuntney turned out to be a cyberstalker and blackmailer of epic proportions. But, her husband cheated on her fat ass, a lot, so really, she got her karma when it was due. We laughed.

Eve and I then gave the mom networking thing one more shot. This time with a more mature studio audience. We'll call this site - Flirting with Forty. Now admittedly, only one of us was old enough to be a member (we won't say who) but we both joined after a small white lie on one of our parts. The site was mellow, the vibe was cool and everyone did their own thing without a problem. Until, once again, people and posts vanished into the ether, gangs and bullies reared their ugly heads and the leader ruled with an iron fist. Suddenly you were kicked out of groups you had created if you didn't kick up a fee to the Bratva (or Russian Mafia, Red Mob, whatever you prefer). Racketeering, initmidation, the whole she-bang. Ivanka the Terrible was out for blood.

We are women, we consider ourselves feminists, but we have to say, bitches make terrible internet forum admin. Our theory is their lives are so sad, their children so stupid, their husbands so ugly, their parents so neglectful, their sex lives so dead that lording over women on the interwebs is really the only power these women have left.

So, to Cuntney, Ivanka and the MomBistro crew, you madams are asshats (and really fucking awful people). Here's to karma bitches!


Friday, February 13, 2009

The Know-It-All

know it all Pictures, Images and PhotosWe all have those people in our lives who know everything about everything. Pretty soon their words lose all meaning and every conversation just sounds like, “a bip bip bip bip bip”. At some point you can hold an entire conversation with them in your head, with you playing both parts, as their rhetoric is so predictable.

“You know what you should do…”

“What I would do is…”

“Why did you do that, what you should have done was…”

“If you ask me…”

“Like I always say…”

“Why don’t you try it this way…”

No topic is beyond their superior intellectual abilities and they are always ready to tell you just what you are doing wrong and why. They never see that there might just be more than one way to skin an asshat, so if you’re not doing it their way, you’re wrong! And never mind when you ask them for help, because then they are just too busy, and can’t possibly…you know the drill.

To those people who just have to be right about everything, I say to you, “Shut your hole!”

If you frequently use any of the phrases above, you just might be a Know-it-all Asshat. Check yourself!


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Asshat of the Year Millennium

Hard to believe another year has come to an end, I for one am ready to see 2008 come to a close and am anxious for a new year and new leadership for America. So, in honor of the end of the year we thought it was appropriate to name an Asshat of the Year. Any guesses as to who the honoree might be?

I got three letters for ya:


I was sitting down today to write my thoughts about the outgoing lame ass duck President who is, and rightfully so, our asshat of the year. And then it struck me! He isn’t just asshat of the year, he is asshat of the millennium because believe it or not, Dubya is the only president we have had this millennium! Somehow that has a lot more weight when put in those terms.

I could write a whole vitriolic diatribe about this toolhole and his douchebaggery, but you know what, it’s like beating a brain damaged child at this point. I mean, what is the point about going on and on about the endless war in Iraq, the war at home on gays and immigrants and an economy that is circling the bowl? So instead of writing about that, I offer you this little slideshow of some of the best (read: worst) bits of the last eight years of America’s shame.

And no send off for Georgie boy would be complete without a few of our favorite quotes by the village idiot himself:

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

8) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

7) President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

6) "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

In a way, I'm gonna miss the old fucker, because we really did have some good laughs, didn't we? It was like 8 years of following Sarah Palin's twin brother around. On the other hand, it is hard to laugh when our civil liberties have been stripped away, our homes are being foreclosed on, we are losing our jobs and retirement savings and we are on the verge of economic collapse. Eh, I am still gonna laugh at the picture of that dumbass falling off his Segway and when I picture him choking on a pretzel. Good times.

Goodbye Mr. President and fuck you.

Happy New Year!