Tuesday, September 30, 2008

My Republican Friend

You know, I thought you were cute when we first met. You had some tattoos, and funky clothes and you were a young mom, only 24 with a 5 year-old. We started hanging out and getting the kids together for playdates and became friends. I mean, admittedly, your kid was a whiny asshole, and most days I wanted to wear ear plugs around him, but I hung in there and tolerated his toolishness because you were so fun.

Slowly, you started to reveal a little about your personal life. Yes, you got knocked up as a college freshman, and dropped out of college after your first semester. Yes, technically at the time you got knocked up your now husband was someone else’s boyfriend. Yes, you fucked anything that moved and spent a lot of time on your back those first exciting 120 days of college. No wonder you would always turn scarlet when someone would mention the Freshman 15. But hey, shit happens, and since I am a bleeding heart liberal, well I don’t think I should tell anyone what to do with his or her body.

I remember asking you more than once what that nifty and not at all cliché Chinese tattoo on your foot meant and being told it meant “Family”. Awwww, how darling! You commemorated your young little family by getting a tattoo? Back in the cool mom category you go! Oh wait, what, huh, you mean you lied, it really means “Lust”? You got it back in college when you were the dorm pump? Well, Christ on a cracker, you had me snookered. I need to move you over to the, “how well do I know this tramp” category.

Your brand new $250,000 house in the spiffy sub-division, how do you afford that when your husband is a full-time college student and only works summers at Staples? Huh, you mom bought it for you? Um, okay, I completely understand how a knocked up college dropout and her student husband need a place to live together off campus. Totally. The Durango and the Sebring? Uh-huh, well sure you have to have transportation, I’m just saying that you know, under the circumstances most people would be driving a beat-up mini van, but if mom can afford it why not. How can you afford a trip to Florida with your family on a private plane? Oh, I see, well, no I had no idea your dad had that kind of money, weeeeee, how cool is that! I love when we go shopping together, I have always wondered how you can dress yourself and your son in Tommy and Calvin, you must know a great place for bargains! Wow, you have a pretty fancy credit card there, how do you swing those payments? Mom? Yup. OK. GOT IT. Yay, you and hubby are trying for a second baby!!! What does your mom have to say about this? Yes, a finished basement playroom is a spectacular idea if you are going to have two kids in your 5-bedroom house. You moved? What did you do with your house in this market?? It sold? WOW! What good fortune, oh, I’m sorry to hear your mom had to write a check for $60,000 to the mortgage company in order to pay off the house. What a shame.

So, wow, you are having a pretty charmed life, right? So, why is it that I am constantly hearing how much you love Bush, hate welfare mothers, single mothers, single-welfare mothers with more than one kid and people who get abortions? I mean, surely you understand that not every college Freshman who finds herself carrying someone else’s boyfriends seed can tell their mom and dad, and expect a cushy, lavish life. And sure, you are not living on the state’s dime, but you ARE getting welfare.

I hear you railing against the Democrats and saying that they want to turn us into a communist country. As we stand in line at the grocery store I hear you huff and watch you roll your eyes as the mother in front of us pays for her groceries with food stamps. I hear you say abortion should be illegal because, hey, you didn’t have one! I listen to you bitch about the public school system and praise the voucher program, while your son, and nephews go to an $11,000 a year private Elementary school. And, the one that really makes my ass sweat is the one where you say you love John McCain and Sarah Palin and that we need them in the White House. Because, you say, they will stop letting slutty women with loose morals get a free ride (haha) on the taxpayer dime.

Ok, well, see, YOU are a slutty woman with loose morals who is getting, and has gotten, many a free ride in her day. The next time you roll your eyes at a mother who uses WIC coupons at the checkout, and mutter, “get a job” under your breath, stop and think. Where would you be if mommy and daddy didn’t have enough money to bankroll your entire adult life? Let’s face it; they even buy your groceries, diapers and tampons. You know, congratulations, you didn’t have an abortion. It was probably the smartest decision you ever made because now you can lay around watching Oprah and getting knocked up while mom supports your lazy ass. You want to talk about getting a job? How many jobs have you had? You are 28 years old and have never worked a day in your life. But, you are gonna gnash your teeth about the welfare-working-for-minimum-wage mother who thinks it might actually be less expensive to quit working and just collect from the state?

You know, do us all a favor, and stay home on November 4th. Until you have been a tax-paying member of society, you voice doesn’t need to be heard. You’re an asshat moocher who needs a few lessons in the realities of life before you should be allowed to have an opinion about anything that affects my family and me. You and your family will be fine, I’m sure your dad has some really plush fallout shelter you can all retreat to should the economy take a shitter and hungry hoards start pillaging and marauding. Why wait, why don’t you head on down there right now.

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