Tuesday, September 30, 2008

My Republican Friend

You know, I thought you were cute when we first met. You had some tattoos, and funky clothes and you were a young mom, only 24 with a 5 year-old. We started hanging out and getting the kids together for playdates and became friends. I mean, admittedly, your kid was a whiny asshole, and most days I wanted to wear ear plugs around him, but I hung in there and tolerated his toolishness because you were so fun.

Slowly, you started to reveal a little about your personal life. Yes, you got knocked up as a college freshman, and dropped out of college after your first semester. Yes, technically at the time you got knocked up your now husband was someone else’s boyfriend. Yes, you fucked anything that moved and spent a lot of time on your back those first exciting 120 days of college. No wonder you would always turn scarlet when someone would mention the Freshman 15. But hey, shit happens, and since I am a bleeding heart liberal, well I don’t think I should tell anyone what to do with his or her body.

I remember asking you more than once what that nifty and not at all cliché Chinese tattoo on your foot meant and being told it meant “Family”. Awwww, how darling! You commemorated your young little family by getting a tattoo? Back in the cool mom category you go! Oh wait, what, huh, you mean you lied, it really means “Lust”? You got it back in college when you were the dorm pump? Well, Christ on a cracker, you had me snookered. I need to move you over to the, “how well do I know this tramp” category.

Your brand new $250,000 house in the spiffy sub-division, how do you afford that when your husband is a full-time college student and only works summers at Staples? Huh, you mom bought it for you? Um, okay, I completely understand how a knocked up college dropout and her student husband need a place to live together off campus. Totally. The Durango and the Sebring? Uh-huh, well sure you have to have transportation, I’m just saying that you know, under the circumstances most people would be driving a beat-up mini van, but if mom can afford it why not. How can you afford a trip to Florida with your family on a private plane? Oh, I see, well, no I had no idea your dad had that kind of money, weeeeee, how cool is that! I love when we go shopping together, I have always wondered how you can dress yourself and your son in Tommy and Calvin, you must know a great place for bargains! Wow, you have a pretty fancy credit card there, how do you swing those payments? Mom? Yup. OK. GOT IT. Yay, you and hubby are trying for a second baby!!! What does your mom have to say about this? Yes, a finished basement playroom is a spectacular idea if you are going to have two kids in your 5-bedroom house. You moved? What did you do with your house in this market?? It sold? WOW! What good fortune, oh, I’m sorry to hear your mom had to write a check for $60,000 to the mortgage company in order to pay off the house. What a shame.

So, wow, you are having a pretty charmed life, right? So, why is it that I am constantly hearing how much you love Bush, hate welfare mothers, single mothers, single-welfare mothers with more than one kid and people who get abortions? I mean, surely you understand that not every college Freshman who finds herself carrying someone else’s boyfriends seed can tell their mom and dad, and expect a cushy, lavish life. And sure, you are not living on the state’s dime, but you ARE getting welfare.

I hear you railing against the Democrats and saying that they want to turn us into a communist country. As we stand in line at the grocery store I hear you huff and watch you roll your eyes as the mother in front of us pays for her groceries with food stamps. I hear you say abortion should be illegal because, hey, you didn’t have one! I listen to you bitch about the public school system and praise the voucher program, while your son, and nephews go to an $11,000 a year private Elementary school. And, the one that really makes my ass sweat is the one where you say you love John McCain and Sarah Palin and that we need them in the White House. Because, you say, they will stop letting slutty women with loose morals get a free ride (haha) on the taxpayer dime.

Ok, well, see, YOU are a slutty woman with loose morals who is getting, and has gotten, many a free ride in her day. The next time you roll your eyes at a mother who uses WIC coupons at the checkout, and mutter, “get a job” under your breath, stop and think. Where would you be if mommy and daddy didn’t have enough money to bankroll your entire adult life? Let’s face it; they even buy your groceries, diapers and tampons. You know, congratulations, you didn’t have an abortion. It was probably the smartest decision you ever made because now you can lay around watching Oprah and getting knocked up while mom supports your lazy ass. You want to talk about getting a job? How many jobs have you had? You are 28 years old and have never worked a day in your life. But, you are gonna gnash your teeth about the welfare-working-for-minimum-wage mother who thinks it might actually be less expensive to quit working and just collect from the state?

You know, do us all a favor, and stay home on November 4th. Until you have been a tax-paying member of society, you voice doesn’t need to be heard. You’re an asshat moocher who needs a few lessons in the realities of life before you should be allowed to have an opinion about anything that affects my family and me. You and your family will be fine, I’m sure your dad has some really plush fallout shelter you can all retreat to should the economy take a shitter and hungry hoards start pillaging and marauding. Why wait, why don’t you head on down there right now.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

I've been a fan of The View for many years. I've watched the Star Jones gimme-a-thon for her wedding, the departure of Meredith Viera, the fun and electricity that Rosie brought to the show. I've laughed quite a bit and, I hate to admit, shed a few tears during the run of this show. But I think I may have reached my breaking point and I'll tell you why.

In a word, Elisabeth. She annoys me to the nth degree. It's not because she's a way right Republican. It's not because she constantly misquotes Democratic politicians, to the point recently that Barbara Walters had to find the specific quote and correct her. It's not because she blindly follows the GOP without question. It's not even because she refuses to see fault with her party when it's painfully obvious to us all.

The reason I'm ready to hang up my View hat is because of Elisabeth's inability to see beyond herself. She cannot see that what may be right for her, may not be right for everyone else. That she feels that you should vote and think as she does or not do so at all. Her inabilty to empathize with anyone other than those who think like her is amazing to me. I never begrudge her her personal beliefs so why does she begrudge me mine?

The other day, on the show, someone used Joe Biden as an example. They said he's Catholic and believes that life starts at conception yet he's pro choice because he will not foist his personal beliefs on his constituants. Why can't she do the same? Why can she not remove her personal feelings from decisions that are being made for a nation?

I feel that she interrupts constantly to get her point across yet refuses to even listen to an opposing point of view. Isn't that what she was hired for? To listen to other women's point of view? I find her eye rolling and head shaking so disrespectful that it makes me wonder why one of the other women on the panel doesn't make mention of it.

I'd love for the program to replace her with a strong, intelligent Republican woman who can say "Hey this is how I believe and I respect and understand that you don't feel the same."
She really should go back to designing. Where she doesn't have to talk.

Cheers Elisabeth! You're my asshat for today!

Sunday, September 28, 2008


The pathological liar. You lie about everything from your fake claims of cancer to the state of your marriage. You tell everyone that you and your husband are seperated so you can garner sympathy and food stamps.

You've told people you had breast cancer but we know you didn't because we had a friend at the hospital you went to for your fake treatments who told us you were not being treated for cancer. You told people that Make a Wish bought your kids $500 worth of American Girl dolls and clothes but Make a Wish grants wishes only for dying children. Where'd you get the $500? Oh that's right. You probably stole it from the school kitty. We all notice that you make sure you do all the monetary collections for your kids classes and handle all the money at bake sales.

We know you weren't by Ground Zero on 9/11. The timing was off. And how could your then 2 month old child be emotionally scarred from an event she can't remember? You're the one who is intentionally scarring her so you can receive survivor benefits.

Oh and about you being a model in the 80s? You have to be taller than 5 feet. They don't hire people under five feet tall to model. Everyone also knows you're don't have hearing loss that you just say that so you can keep on collecting those disability checks. I guess the carpel tunnel claim didn't work out for you huh?

What you fail to realize is that, not only do we all know you're a liar, your children see it too. You're making them ashamed and making them feel as if they now have to lie to cover your ass. Way to go Mom!


Friday, September 26, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

My Sister-in-Law

You had more kids than you can afford. I guess, when you're on the state's dime, it's cheaper to keep having kids than use birth control. When your husband left you, you refused to file for child support stating that he loved his kids so much that he would send money. After two years of nothing, you finally filed. I guess you were too busy sitting around smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee to make it to the courthouse. Then when the court ordered him to pay a paltry sum per month for more than 4 kids, you said ok instead of fighting for more money for your children. This money wasn't for YOU but for them. So they never got to play little league, go to Girl Scouts, go on school trips, have nice things because you didn't want to be bothered getting off your ass to get what was due them.

Then when it came to college, you said they can do what they want. As a result, three of them dropped out of high school. Everyone of them could have gone to a good college FOR FREE because of the salary you bring home. Instead of showing them that education is the way out of poverty, you let them drop out of school and bought them cigarettes.

You took charity from family members. Some of us couldn't sit by and watch the phone turned off or the electric turned off so we helped out. And you took it as if it was owed to you instead of being humble and grateful. The only phone calls I've gotten from you in many many years is when you wanted something. And I always obliged. Open arms and open wallet. Yet I never got any other phone calls from you. Not even when my father died.

You sit and put others down because of choices they make in their lives yet you make the laziest choices in your life. When it comes to doing the right thing or the easy thing, you consistantly choose the easy thing. Which, as most of us know, is in the long run, the harder way.

Now your house is in forclosure because you didn't make the enormous payment of $500 a month. You own nothing. You borrow money from your newly adult children (actually have them take banks loans which you expect them to pay back) and tell them, "don't bring me home any lil brown grand babies" Nearing 50, you have nothing of value in your life. You, my dear, are an asshat.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Claymates

Clay Aiken just made my week. Middle-aged fat woman across the country have taken a break from dusting their curio cabinets and bidding on Beanie Babies on eBay, to weep over the shocking news that Clay is…GAY!

Now, I don’t know what it is that appeals to them in the first place about this guy, because he makes my skin crawl, but some of them are taking it very dearly to heart, even going so far as to say that they will no longer be a fan of the comely (I just threw up in my mouth a little) crooner. Here is what his more conservative, and dare I say, fair-weather, fans have to say:

“The Diane Sawyer interview bothered me too. I just pushed it out of my mind. His having Parker with Jaymes pretty much confirmed it for me, so I have slowly been backing away. Now this. I have been a fan from the very beginning and will always admire his voice and quirky personality, but I just can't do this anymore. And I will very much miss, probably as much as Clay, the wonderful and clever chats with those members of this board, and I really mean that. Stupid tears are gunking up my contact lenses.”

“He captured our hearts with his song and then he showed us how to love --
Really love!”

“I am grieving deeply as I will miss that glorious gift of God that is Clay, his voice, his love, his passion. I will miss the fandom. The fun. The comaraderie. I will miss him and I will miss all of you. This tears me apart and pains me greatly. This is one of the most difficult days of my life. I am in deep sorrow that I have to walk away like this now. But I can't stay and live a lie myself, no matter what. No matter how much I love his voice and many things about him. No matter how much I want the experience of being a fan in many ways. I have to do what I believe is right. And no matter how painful that is.
I have given much of the last 5 years to Clay. I have met him 3 times: Book signing, the tour bus and my M&G. I have seen him perform live almost 100 times. I have supported him at other appearances even when he was not singing. I have gone to gala's. I have contributed to UNICEF and the Bubel Aiken Foundation in money and time. I have promoted and defended the man to the hilt in many ways. All choices. My choices. Blessings have been mine the whole time. Though looking back perhaps I gave too much of my life and there has been a down side to my fandom. I have put CLay before God, my husband and my children and friends, often times. But again that was my choice and I believe no good intention, effort, or relationship was a waste. All comes together for the good.”

“I just feel rather silly now having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. It does change my perception of who he is and how I see him. We always called him our boyfriend and that won't be happening anymore. I just am sad, disappointed, and because he is not what I thought he was in terms of his sexuality and how he portrayed himself. He still is a great singer and humanitarian but my "crush" on him is over and that hurts.”

“…my heart is breaking... I have been crying almost from the time I saw it.”

I find it completely heinous that so many of these woman who admit to ignoring their husbands and children in favor of living life as a devout Claymate would be so quick to condemn him. And you know what, good for him. He runs the risk of alienating his fans and plunging the country into further economic crisis as the Claymates forgo their weekly Twinkie rations from the Walmart in the hopes of missing his People magazine cover. How can you fault him for wanting to raise his son to be an honest person who is allowed to be happy, no matter who he turns out to be? Gay is okay ladies, even Liberace was gay. Ooops! I think I may have spilled another can of beans.

I think it boils down to their shame at having masturbated to his pictures and their fantasy that he was going to come to their trailer and sweep them off their Crocs and outta their Hanes Her Way XXL panties.

Seriously ladies, the Hamburger Helper is burning, your Precious Moments figurines are feeling neglected and People’s Court is coming on the tellyvision. So dry your tears, step away from the computer, and get back to the reality that is your miserable life. Jesus may love you, but I know you’re an asshat.