Internet Despots

Eve and I once frequented a website that was a networking site for moms. We'll call it - MomBistro. We met some internet friends, had a few laughs at the expense of others (seriously, you wanna talk asshats, this place is a treasure trove) and generally enjoyed ourselves. Eventually though the power the women who ran this site possessed made them dizzy and twatty. Blogs were deleted, groups were disbanded, members vanished in the night. It was like a good Mob movie, complete with a few virtual horseheads and all.

So, we were invited to join another mom networking site created by one of the disappeared, we'll call her - Cuntney. Oh what a breath of fresh air, what pleasure, what delight to have this great site where everyone was on equal footing and behavior wasn't regulated with the use of brute force or cyber Ritalin. Peace reigned in the valley - for awhile. Cuntney seemingly overnight when from one of the girls to Head Mistress. Cracking the whip and pinning girls down under her cloven feet she loved to take pictures of. Fees were being charged for membership to cliques, girls were jumped and attacked by the pack, picking off the weak or opinionated, one by one. The fur flew, slander was committed and Cuntney turned out to be a cyberstalker and blackmailer of epic proportions. But, her husband cheated on her fat ass, a lot, so really, she got her karma when it was due. We laughed.

Eve and I then gave the mom networking thing one more shot. This time with a more mature studio audience. We'll call this site - Flirting with Forty. Now admittedly, only one of us was old enough to be a member (we won't say who) but we both joined after a small white lie on one of our parts. The site was mellow, the vibe was cool and everyone did their own thing without a problem. Until, once again, people and posts vanished into the ether, gangs and bullies reared their ugly heads and the leader ruled with an iron fist. Suddenly you were kicked out of groups you had created if you didn't kick up a fee to the Bratva (or Russian Mafia, Red Mob, whatever you prefer). Racketeering, initmidation, the whole she-bang. Ivanka the Terrible was out for blood.

We are women, we consider ourselves feminists, but we have to say, bitches make terrible internet forum admin. Our theory is their lives are so sad, their children so stupid, their husbands so ugly, their parents so neglectful, their sex lives so dead that lording over women on the interwebs is really the only power these women have left.

So, to Cuntney, Ivanka and the MomBistro crew, you madams are asshats (and really fucking awful people). Here's to karma bitches!

The Know-It-All

We all have those people in our lives who know everything about everything. Pretty soon their words lose all meaning and every conversation just sounds like, “a bip bip bip bip bip”. At some point you can hold an entire conversation with them in your head, with you playing both parts, as their rhetoric is so predictable.

“You know what you should do…”

“What I would do is…”

“Why did you do that, what you should have done was…”

“If you ask me…”

“Like I always say…”

“Why don’t you try it this way…”

No topic is beyond their superior intellectual abilities and they are always ready to tell you just what you are doing wrong and why. They never see that there might just be more than one way to skin an asshat, so if you’re not doing it their way, you’re wrong! And never mind when you ask them for help, because then they are just too busy, and can’t possibly…you know the drill.

To those people who just have to be right about everything, I say to you, “Shut your hole!”

If you frequently use any of the phrases above, you just might be a Know-it-all Asshat. Check yourself!

Asshat of the Year Millennium

Hard to believe another year has come to an end, I for one am ready to see 2008 come to a close and am anxious for a new year and new leadership for America. So, in honor of the end of the year we thought it was appropriate to name an Asshat of the Year. Any guesses as to who the honoree might be?

I got three letters for ya:

G.W.B.

I was sitting down today to write my thoughts about the outgoing lame ass duck President who is, and rightfully so, our asshat of the year. And then it struck me! He isn’t just asshat of the year, he is asshat of the millennium because believe it or not, Dubya is the only president we have had this millennium! Somehow that has a lot more weight when put in those terms.

I could write a whole vitriolic diatribe about this toolhole and his douchebaggery, but you know what, it’s like beating a brain damaged child at this point. I mean, what is the point about going on and on about the endless war in Iraq, the war at home on gays and immigrants and an economy that is circling the bowl? So instead of writing about that, I offer you this little slideshow of some of the best (read: worst) bits of the last eight years of America’s shame.

And no send off for Georgie boy would be complete without a few of our favorite quotes by the village idiot himself:

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

8) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

7) President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

6) "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

In a way, I'm gonna miss the old fucker, because we really did have some good laughs, didn't we? It was like 8 years of following Sarah Palin's twin brother around. On the other hand, it is hard to laugh when our civil liberties have been stripped away, our homes are being foreclosed on, we are losing our jobs and retirement savings and we are on the verge of economic collapse. Eh, I am still gonna laugh at the picture of that dumbass falling off his Segway and when I picture him choking on a pretzel. Good times.

Goodbye Mr. President and fuck you.

Happy New Year!

The 12 Days of Drunkmas

This one is for my Drunkcle. His stumbling, beer-reeking, slurred speech presence on Christmas Eve was always sure to ruin the family festivities. He would cop a feel of my cousin's (his niece) ass, accuse my dad of stealing his record albums and then regale us all with stories of his youth spent in Blues bars. Allegedly he was almost pummeled by the negros in the bar until the Blues singer yelled down from the stage, "Let that white boy dance!". This is my dear old Drunkcle, but since it seems everyone has a Drunkcle, feel free to change this to suit your own family lore this holiday season.

On the 1st day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked Cheri*, for two sloppy brinskis* and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, three frozen dog turds*, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 4th day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked from me, four rides to Rollo's*, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 5th day of Christmas, Drunkcle showed to me, 5 REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 6th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 6 stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 7th day of Christmas, Drunkcle stood next to me, 7 inches over 4 ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 8th day of Christmas, Drunkcle yelled at me, 8 milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 9th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 9 white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 10th day of Christmas, Drunkcle came to me, 10 fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, 11 ashtrays overflowing, ten fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 12th day of Christmas, Drunkcle drank for me, a 12 pack of Budweiser, eleven ashtrays overflowing, ten fist a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

Happy Holidays from my white trash family to yours!



*Cheri - slutty former stipper cousin with a tattoo of a money bag on her ass.

*Brinski- the act of placing your face in a women's cleavage and making a raspberry noise with your mouth while shaking your head from side to side.

*Frozen Dog Turds- what Drunkcle stepped in, causing an argument with my father, claiming they were from my parent's dog.

*Rollo's- Drunkcle's favorite bar. Where I mailed him the invitation to my wedding as there was no other way to get in touch with him.

Delish Asshat

Ok I have a question for you. What the fuck is the point of abbreviating something if each and everytime you use the abbreviation, you explain what it's short for? You're just making the sentence longer and you're ANNOYING THE SHIT OUTTA ME. Stick that in your EVOO and smoke it!
Thirty minute meals my ass. Yes they can be made in thirty minutes...if you buy the fresh, deveined, shelled shrimp, which run about more money per pound, if you can slice and dice better than Ron Popiel and if are uninterrupted by other members of your household. If you're a graduate of The Culinary Institute of America and have lots of money to spend on specialty items this is possible. In my house it takes me more than thirty minutes to make a goddamned peanut butter and jelly sandwich with all I have going on.
Oh and the language all her own. When she exclaims "Yummo!" while eating one of her "sammys". And the giggle. THE FUCKING GIGGLE! Nobody over the age of 17 should giggle least of all a multi-million dollar chef who is teaching people how to cook. I don't know which of these things kick in the gag reflex or if it's a combination of all of the above.
Ok I just put on her talk show to see what it was all about and it's worse than her fucking cooking shows! She's kvelling and ass kissing so bad she's gonna need a load of Chapstik after the show! I actually feel embarrassed watching her. I had to turn her off after about five minutes.
For now I'll stick to watching Tony Bourdain. I love his cynical ways and snarky attitude. Just my kind of guy. Begone Rachael Ray! And take your Asshat of the Day award with you!

Real Asshats Of Atlanta

I was watching Real Housewives of Atlanta the other day. Yes I know shame on me. But one of the women, I think her name is DeShawn, made me laugh. Apparently she's married to a basketball player. I don't follow basketball, or any sport for that matter, so I don't know who he is. So she's getting her children ready for school in the morning and the voice over is complaining about her husband being on the road six days a week and it's so hard for her to do this alone. Like a single parent. Yeah...with a cook, a housekeeper, a personal assistant who doubles as an "estate manager", a hair person and a make up person. Can you believe the BALLS on this woman? She should only have a hint of what it would be like to be a single parent, raising three children who has to hold down at least one job. I know she's very charitable but how dare she compare herself to a single parent! I sat here with my jaw in my lap when she ever said that. I mean she seems like a nice lady don't get me wrong but her perception of other people's reality is definitely skewed.
Also that show should not be called the real ANYTHING. None of those shows should have the word real in them. Most of those women are a real as their hair or their boobs. It should be called "The Rich, Pompous and Fake Housewives" of wherever.
And oh btw...Kim? Get a new hairdresser. That mess you have on your head in no way shape or form passes as hair. I looks like a hat. See picture above of Kim.

Food Bloggers

Dear Food Bloggers,

There is a reason that magazines and advertisers use a food stylist for their pictures. If you think these pictures look appetizing, it is time to get out of the trailer park a little more often.

Fertility Friends

So, the other day, I stumbled upon the Deliverance of blogs. I could hear the banjos playing and I ran for my life, but not before I had a good looky-loo around.

It appears that these women were once participants on a website called Fertility Friends and against all better judgment, some of these inbreds decided they needed to have more ignorant offspring. From what I gather, lots of people on the site felt that a few of them, namely this one woman, Teresa, shouldn't have more kids, and in fact, maybe they should drown the ones they have.

Well, Teresa Queen of Asshatery and her Ignorant Ladies in Waiting have been traveling the internet in search of support of their ill-conceived (pun intended) uterine science experiments. I won't pretend to know what the Ignorant Ladies in Waiting find appealing about this Teresa, because they actually seems like they can find their ass with both hands. Teresa not so much.

Here is a sample of the class and intelligence that is Teresa:


Yes, that is Teresa's grandson in the bottom picture. Yes, he is holding a real handgun. Yes, the caption of the picture says, "Thomas has a message for Obama".

These Ignorant Ladies in Waiting shouldn't be allowing all this hateful energy that is just OOZING off Teresa Queen of Asshatery. It can't be good for the environment in their wombs. Instead they should reporting this fuckwad to the F.B of I. Instead, like good little courtiers they follow Queeny where ever she goes and support her tom-toolery.

Ladies (Ignorant one of Waiting), I suggest you let Teresa run amok unsupported and once again allow positive energy to enter your life.

Teresa, you ma'am will forever reign as the Queen of all that is Asshat. My fervant hope is that you do have any more inbred asshat spawn to spread your message of douchebagery and hatred of all.

Enjoy the title sweetheart, you wear it well.

Right Wing Religious Wackos

Why do they always seem to be most noticable around election time? Did Jesus tell them the
Apocolypse supposed to take place on an election year and they're putting us all on notice?
And why are they all Republican?

Any forum I've been to lately each and every person who is an Obama hater claims to be a
good Christian. They're the first ones to bring up Senator Obama's middle name as if having a
Muslim name means he's a terrorist. They're the ones saying they're afraid to have a black
president because they think "the blacks will take over." They're the ones who are willing to
vote for a ticket that has a woman on it who was blessed against witchcraft! A woman, no less,
who claims to be a good Christian! I have to say though she is the personification of the
people I'm talking about. Not very intelligent, misleading, name caller, double talker and one
who thinks she's in on the joke when, in reality, she IS the joke.

They have no qualms about out and out lying and misquoting news articles. Well I guess since
a lot of them misquote the Bible, misquoting CNN is no biggie.

Why do they claim Senator Obama is evil? What's he done that's evil? He's married with
children. His family adores him. He's a brilliant man who has given back to his community.
He's more of a Christian than his opponent! I understand that not everyone agrees with his
politics but why do Christians go after him on a personal level rather than attacking his
policies? I can only surmise that they don't know his policies so they attack his race and his
name. Unfortunately closed minds don't come with closed mouths.

What happened to love thy neighbor? Let he without sin cast the first stone? Granted, my
Catholic school upbringing may be a bit rusty but from what I remember Jesus taught to love
and let God be the judge.

So the thorny crown asshat goes to you Christians who claim to love God and his son yet aren't
very Christlike.

The "Colorblind"

When someone says, “I am color blind, I just don’t see color when it comes to people”, I want to slap them.

First, you are a fucking liar. We all SEE color, we may not judge someone based upon that color, but you see it, you are aware of it. To deny that someone you know or meet is a different race then you is to ignore part of who they are. Unfortunately in our society it is only the white folk who have the luxury of claiming colorblindness, because every black, asian, native, middle eastern person in this hilarious melting pot of ours knows all too well their color.

Second, look toolhole, to say you are colorblind, or are raising your children colorblind, or have a black friend because you are so damn colorblind, is really saying that you see all people as white. You see all “colored” people as being as good as white. So, you see the color, but you choose to erase it with your Caucasian colored glasses and paint them with the whitey brush. How generous of you.

Asshats of colorblindedness, please stop using terms like colorblind when it comes to race and start just accepting people (or not) for who they are. “Colorblind” implies you are still judging based on color, but are choosing to give the benefit of the doubt. While we’re at it, I better not hear you use the words, “reverse racism” either, or I will have to bitch slap an asshat.

The Board Member of My Building

Everyone knows you're cheap. That's why you're always looking for someone else to foot the bill, namely the building. You make trouble for a new building going up next door by filing false claims against them. You fail to realize that these will be our neighbors and it would benefit you to be nice to them instead of being evil. Your pomposity far outweighs your intelligence so maybe you should check yourself.

You may not know it, but the other board members also think you're an asshat. They laugh at the fact that you were the one to push for the redecorating of the building and now you're the first to complain that there's no money left in the building's fund. That's what happens when you go $100k over budget. You don't show up for meetings because you know people are going to call you out on your shit. Everyone laughs because you're intimidated by another board member. I think what intimidates you is that she doesn't take your shit because you're wrong and she's right and she has no qualms about telling you so.

Your ass is as tight as your jaw. That's why you sound like Thurston Howel III, Lovey. You're so nosy that you had to join the community board so you can find out what's going on and dish about it. You're like an old yenta. But that's ok. One day you'll need something and nobody will be willing to help you out. Maybe you should stick to what you know and let professionals handle the rest.

Now go back to your hoarding in your filthy apartment and let everyone else be, Asshat.

The "Drop-Iners"

I hate people who just “drop-in” or just “pop by to say hi” or “stop by to see if the kids could play for a bit”. Ok, no. How about this, when you would like to impose yourself and/or your asshat, rugrat children on my life and day, pick up the damn phone first!

Unless you are family or my very dearest friend, chances are, I don’t want you “popping in”. Some days the house is a wreck, and as an acquaintance, I don’t feel comfortable having you see our daily mess. Some days I am still in pajamas at 4 o’clock and haven’t gotten my chance to shower yet. Some days I have things going on that are none of your business. Some days I just don’t want to entertain you, I want to sit and vegetate on my very comfortable couch, sometimes with no bra on. Every day, the baby takes a nap, the kids have school and I need to get dinner going. I guess your mother never taught you the common courtesy of respecting others and their space.

So, here’s the deal, asshat. Next time you think it would be a good idea to drop by, keep driving, keep walking, and let that clever little notion go. Because, I will not be happy to see you, chances are I will not open the door, and if I do, I may shoot you for trespassing. Okay?

Reborn Doll Mommies

Are you fucking kidding me? Have you seen these dolls? They're creepy to start with and the fact that grown women act as if they're real is just crazy. Something makes me think that the Claymates would go ape for this shit. One woman has over 600 of these dolls! They name them, dress them, put them in car seats and strollers. Some of them take them out with them. THEY TALK TO THEM! At least if they talk to plants, the plants respond. At $1000+ per doll their money would be better spent elsewhere like a charity that helps REAL children. As for wanting to feel a baby in your arms, go to your local hospital and volunteer to be a preemie holder for fuck's sake. I understand if you have a doll collection but to act as if they're real is just an asshat thing to do.

Sarah Palin

Somehow we are supposed to buy that this chick should be the next in line for the keys to the White House when McCain dies in office. As he will. Probably on the terlet with a fricken issue of Guns & Ammo resting on his pasty white thighs. Oh the imagery.

So, what do we know about Sarah Palin? She can kill mooseses with her bare hands. She hates polar bears. She is more fearsome than Chuck Norris. She only wants abstinence taught in our schools. Her 17 year-old daughter is pregnant. She has Tina Fey glasses. She wanted to ban books from the local library. She was mayor of the crystal meth capital of Alaska (which is really saying something, because think about it, Alaska is a depressing and boring place to live. Cooking up a little meth has GOT to be just about the only thing one does for entertainment in Alaska. Besides killing moose and having underage sex I mean.). She can see Russia from her house.

Ok, well, I am convinced, how ‘bout you? Does she subscribe to the Bush Doctrine? She doesn’t know. Does she know what the Vice President does all day? No, not so much. Does she have a clue about foreign policy, the economic crisis the country is facing, national health care, how to fix the public school system? Yeah, no.

Some more things she does know: how to have affairs with her husband’s best friend, how to steal federal money while claiming that she didn’t, she names her kids bizarre things like Track and Trig, she would make her daughter “choose” life even if she was raped, even if she was raped by daddy, Todd (pronounced Taaahhhhddd).

Have you seen the Couric and Gibson interviews? I mean come on people! One thing's for sure though, my Tivo won't be missing a second of the debate tonight. That shit is gonna be hilarious!

This woman is gross. I feel like I am watching a madcap made for TV movie staring Melissa Joan Hart as a woman who wins a contest to become the next Vice President of the United States. I have no explanations for what is going on here.

She is frightening. And not in a good kicking ass and taking names kind of way. But in a kicking ass, waiting for the apocalypse, taking names and sending those names to Gitmo kind of way.

Hell no Sarah, I won’t go. You ma’am are an asshat.

The Trickless Magician

That's what Chris Rock calls David Blaine.

I remember the first time I saw David. I was flipping through the channels and came across a show that was being filmed on a street, in Manhattan, that I recognized. I stopped to see what crazy shit was going on in the East Village. Turns out it was a magic show. I LOVE magic! There was this soft spoken young man doing tricks for a bunch of guys out on the street. Just doing magic. Card tricks primarily. I loved how he was so quiet and unassuming then the next thing you know he's levitating! HOLY SHIT! I'm sure it wasn't the first guy flying down St. Marks place but for sure the first one caught on film.

He had a few other shows that were equally intriguing. In your face tricks. He was he everyman. He travelled the world to show that magic doesn't speak a language..it's fascinating no matter what language you speak. He was so cool and mysterious. I wanted to see more.
Then I see that he's going to be buried alive under 4000 pounds of water, six feet down for a week. What kind of trick is THAT? I saw him do this, via the local news, in NYC. This isn't magic. This is endurance. Or it may be a trick if they switched him out. I don't know. I know I wanted the magic that made him famous not this trickery.

There were other stunts to follow. And I do mean stunts. They were all endurance stunts. Standing on a shelf many feet above the ground, holding his breath, being captive in a giant block of ice. There may be a few others but I stopped keeping track. But this last stunt took the cake.

He was to hang upside down for three days and two nights. Then he was going to do "The Dive of Death" and leap to the ground from six stories up in the air. So he's hanging like a bat and there are reports that people see him taking breaks. TAKING BREAKS? What kind of endurance test is this? Then he does the, drumroll please, DIVE OF DEATH!!!





Wtf is that??? Was that a mistake? Was he supposed to swoop all the way down then fly away astouning onlookers? Was it a fuck up or is it what David Blaine has become? All talk and no action. Some think that it was planned that way, that he had no intention of making the dive but he wanted everyone to think he was going to then he was going to appear to fly away.

He got our attention doing great magic. Now he's become a trickster. He pulled the oldest trick in the book on us..the old bait and switch. He lured us in with his talent as a magician and then switched up to become a snake oil salesman.
I won't be watching anything more that you do David. Sorry but you've become an asshat.

My Republican Friend

You know, I thought you were cute when we first met. You had some tattoos, and funky clothes and you were a young mom, only 24 with a 5 year-old. We started hanging out and getting the kids together for playdates and became friends. I mean, admittedly, your kid was a whiny asshole, and most days I wanted to wear ear plugs around him, but I hung in there and tolerated his toolishness because you were so fun.

Slowly, you started to reveal a little about your personal life. Yes, you got knocked up as a college freshman, and dropped out of college after your first semester. Yes, technically at the time you got knocked up your now husband was someone else’s boyfriend. Yes, you fucked anything that moved and spent a lot of time on your back those first exciting 120 days of college. No wonder you would always turn scarlet when someone would mention the Freshman 15. But hey, shit happens, and since I am a bleeding heart liberal, well I don’t think I should tell anyone what to do with his or her body.

I remember asking you more than once what that nifty and not at all cliché Chinese tattoo on your foot meant and being told it meant “Family”. Awwww, how darling! You commemorated your young little family by getting a tattoo? Back in the cool mom category you go! Oh wait, what, huh, you mean you lied, it really means “Lust”? You got it back in college when you were the dorm pump? Well, Christ on a cracker, you had me snookered. I need to move you over to the, “how well do I know this tramp” category.

Your brand new $250,000 house in the spiffy sub-division, how do you afford that when your husband is a full-time college student and only works summers at Staples? Huh, you mom bought it for you? Um, okay, I completely understand how a knocked up college dropout and her student husband need a place to live together off campus. Totally. The Durango and the Sebring? Uh-huh, well sure you have to have transportation, I’m just saying that you know, under the circumstances most people would be driving a beat-up mini van, but if mom can afford it why not. How can you afford a trip to Florida with your family on a private plane? Oh, I see, well, no I had no idea your dad had that kind of money, weeeeee, how cool is that! I love when we go shopping together, I have always wondered how you can dress yourself and your son in Tommy and Calvin, you must know a great place for bargains! Wow, you have a pretty fancy credit card there, how do you swing those payments? Mom? Yup. OK. GOT IT. Yay, you and hubby are trying for a second baby!!! What does your mom have to say about this? Yes, a finished basement playroom is a spectacular idea if you are going to have two kids in your 5-bedroom house. You moved? What did you do with your house in this market?? It sold? WOW! What good fortune, oh, I’m sorry to hear your mom had to write a check for $60,000 to the mortgage company in order to pay off the house. What a shame.

So, wow, you are having a pretty charmed life, right? So, why is it that I am constantly hearing how much you love Bush, hate welfare mothers, single mothers, single-welfare mothers with more than one kid and people who get abortions? I mean, surely you understand that not every college Freshman who finds herself carrying someone else’s boyfriends seed can tell their mom and dad, and expect a cushy, lavish life. And sure, you are not living on the state’s dime, but you ARE getting welfare.

I hear you railing against the Democrats and saying that they want to turn us into a communist country. As we stand in line at the grocery store I hear you huff and watch you roll your eyes as the mother in front of us pays for her groceries with food stamps. I hear you say abortion should be illegal because, hey, you didn’t have one! I listen to you bitch about the public school system and praise the voucher program, while your son, and nephews go to an $11,000 a year private Elementary school. And, the one that really makes my ass sweat is the one where you say you love John McCain and Sarah Palin and that we need them in the White House. Because, you say, they will stop letting slutty women with loose morals get a free ride (haha) on the taxpayer dime.

Ok, well, see, YOU are a slutty woman with loose morals who is getting, and has gotten, many a free ride in her day. The next time you roll your eyes at a mother who uses WIC coupons at the checkout, and mutter, “get a job” under your breath, stop and think. Where would you be if mommy and daddy didn’t have enough money to bankroll your entire adult life? Let’s face it; they even buy your groceries, diapers and tampons. You know, congratulations, you didn’t have an abortion. It was probably the smartest decision you ever made because now you can lay around watching Oprah and getting knocked up while mom supports your lazy ass. You want to talk about getting a job? How many jobs have you had? You are 28 years old and have never worked a day in your life. But, you are gonna gnash your teeth about the welfare-working-for-minimum-wage mother who thinks it might actually be less expensive to quit working and just collect from the state?

You know, do us all a favor, and stay home on November 4th. Until you have been a tax-paying member of society, you voice doesn’t need to be heard. You’re an asshat moocher who needs a few lessons in the realities of life before you should be allowed to have an opinion about anything that affects my family and me. You and your family will be fine, I’m sure your dad has some really plush fallout shelter you can all retreat to should the economy take a shitter and hungry hoards start pillaging and marauding. Why wait, why don’t you head on down there right now.

http://www.blogcatalog.com/directory/humor/observational-humor

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

I've been a fan of The View for many years. I've watched the Star Jones gimme-a-thon for her wedding, the departure of Meredith Viera, the fun and electricity that Rosie brought to the show. I've laughed quite a bit and, I hate to admit, shed a few tears during the run of this show. But I think I may have reached my breaking point and I'll tell you why.

In a word, Elisabeth. She annoys me to the nth degree. It's not because she's a way right Republican. It's not because she constantly misquotes Democratic politicians, to the point recently that Barbara Walters had to find the specific quote and correct her. It's not because she blindly follows the GOP without question. It's not even because she refuses to see fault with her party when it's painfully obvious to us all.

The reason I'm ready to hang up my View hat is because of Elisabeth's inability to see beyond herself. She cannot see that what may be right for her, may not be right for everyone else. That she feels that you should vote and think as she does or not do so at all. Her inabilty to empathize with anyone other than those who think like her is amazing to me. I never begrudge her her personal beliefs so why does she begrudge me mine?

The other day, on the show, someone used Joe Biden as an example. They said he's Catholic and believes that life starts at conception yet he's pro choice because he will not foist his personal beliefs on his constituants. Why can't she do the same? Why can she not remove her personal feelings from decisions that are being made for a nation?

I feel that she interrupts constantly to get her point across yet refuses to even listen to an opposing point of view. Isn't that what she was hired for? To listen to other women's point of view? I find her eye rolling and head shaking so disrespectful that it makes me wonder why one of the other women on the panel doesn't make mention of it.

I'd love for the program to replace her with a strong, intelligent Republican woman who can say "Hey this is how I believe and I respect and understand that you don't feel the same."
She really should go back to designing. Where she doesn't have to talk.

Cheers Elisabeth! You're my asshat for today!

Ann

The pathological liar. You lie about everything from your fake claims of cancer to the state of your marriage. You tell everyone that you and your husband are seperated so you can garner sympathy and food stamps.

You've told people you had breast cancer but we know you didn't because we had a friend at the hospital you went to for your fake treatments who told us you were not being treated for cancer. You told people that Make a Wish bought your kids $500 worth of American Girl dolls and clothes but Make a Wish grants wishes only for dying children. Where'd you get the $500? Oh that's right. You probably stole it from the school kitty. We all notice that you make sure you do all the monetary collections for your kids classes and handle all the money at bake sales.

We know you weren't by Ground Zero on 9/11. The timing was off. And how could your then 2 month old child be emotionally scarred from an event she can't remember? You're the one who is intentionally scarring her so you can receive survivor benefits.

Oh and about you being a model in the 80s? You have to be taller than 5 feet. They don't hire people under five feet tall to model. Everyone also knows you're don't have hearing loss that you just say that so you can keep on collecting those disability checks. I guess the carpel tunnel claim didn't work out for you huh?

What you fail to realize is that, not only do we all know you're a liar, your children see it too. You're making them ashamed and making them feel as if they now have to lie to cover your ass. Way to go Mom!

Deja Vu

ASSHATS!

My Sister-in-Law

You had more kids than you can afford. I guess, when you're on the state's dime, it's cheaper to keep having kids than use birth control. When your husband left you, you refused to file for child support stating that he loved his kids so much that he would send money. After two years of nothing, you finally filed. I guess you were too busy sitting around smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee to make it to the courthouse. Then when the court ordered him to pay a paltry sum per month for more than 4 kids, you said ok instead of fighting for more money for your children. This money wasn't for YOU but for them. So they never got to play little league, go to Girl Scouts, go on school trips, have nice things because you didn't want to be bothered getting off your ass to get what was due them.

Then when it came to college, you said they can do what they want. As a result, three of them dropped out of high school. Everyone of them could have gone to a good college FOR FREE because of the salary you bring home. Instead of showing them that education is the way out of poverty, you let them drop out of school and bought them cigarettes.

You took charity from family members. Some of us couldn't sit by and watch the phone turned off or the electric turned off so we helped out. And you took it as if it was owed to you instead of being humble and grateful. The only phone calls I've gotten from you in many many years is when you wanted something. And I always obliged. Open arms and open wallet. Yet I never got any other phone calls from you. Not even when my father died.

You sit and put others down because of choices they make in their lives yet you make the laziest choices in your life. When it comes to doing the right thing or the easy thing, you consistantly choose the easy thing. Which, as most of us know, is in the long run, the harder way.

Now your house is in forclosure because you didn't make the enormous payment of $500 a month. You own nothing. You borrow money from your newly adult children (actually have them take banks loans which you expect them to pay back) and tell them, "don't bring me home any lil brown grand babies" Nearing 50, you have nothing of value in your life. You, my dear, are an asshat.