Internet Despots

Eve and I once frequented a website that was a networking site for moms. We'll call it - MomBistro. We met some internet friends, had a few laughs at the expense of others (seriously, you wanna talk asshats, this place is a treasure trove) and generally enjoyed ourselves. Eventually though the power the women who ran this site possessed made them dizzy and twatty. Blogs were deleted, groups were disbanded, members vanished in the night. It was like a good Mob movie, complete with a few virtual horseheads and all.

So, we were invited to join another mom networking site created by one of the disappeared, we'll call her - Cuntney. Oh what a breath of fresh air, what pleasure, what delight to have this great site where everyone was on equal footing and behavior wasn't regulated with the use of brute force or cyber Ritalin. Peace reigned in the valley - for awhile. Cuntney seemingly overnight when from one of the girls to Head Mistress. Cracking the whip and pinning girls down under her cloven feet she loved to take pictures of. Fees were being charged for membership to cliques, girls were jumped and attacked by the pack, picking off the weak or opinionated, one by one. The fur flew, slander was committed and Cuntney turned out to be a cyberstalker and blackmailer of epic proportions. But, her husband cheated on her fat ass, a lot, so really, she got her karma when it was due. We laughed.

Eve and I then gave the mom networking thing one more shot. This time with a more mature studio audience. We'll call this site - Flirting with Forty. Now admittedly, only one of us was old enough to be a member (we won't say who) but we both joined after a small white lie on one of our parts. The site was mellow, the vibe was cool and everyone did their own thing without a problem. Until, once again, people and posts vanished into the ether, gangs and bullies reared their ugly heads and the leader ruled with an iron fist. Suddenly you were kicked out of groups you had created if you didn't kick up a fee to the Bratva (or Russian Mafia, Red Mob, whatever you prefer). Racketeering, initmidation, the whole she-bang. Ivanka the Terrible was out for blood.

We are women, we consider ourselves feminists, but we have to say, bitches make terrible internet forum admin. Our theory is their lives are so sad, their children so stupid, their husbands so ugly, their parents so neglectful, their sex lives so dead that lording over women on the interwebs is really the only power these women have left.

So, to Cuntney, Ivanka and the MomBistro crew, you madams are asshats (and really fucking awful people). Here's to karma bitches!

The Know-It-All

We all have those people in our lives who know everything about everything. Pretty soon their words lose all meaning and every conversation just sounds like, “a bip bip bip bip bip”. At some point you can hold an entire conversation with them in your head, with you playing both parts, as their rhetoric is so predictable.

“You know what you should do…”

“What I would do is…”

“Why did you do that, what you should have done was…”

“If you ask me…”

“Like I always say…”

“Why don’t you try it this way…”

No topic is beyond their superior intellectual abilities and they are always ready to tell you just what you are doing wrong and why. They never see that there might just be more than one way to skin an asshat, so if you’re not doing it their way, you’re wrong! And never mind when you ask them for help, because then they are just too busy, and can’t possibly…you know the drill.

To those people who just have to be right about everything, I say to you, “Shut your hole!”

If you frequently use any of the phrases above, you just might be a Know-it-all Asshat. Check yourself!

Asshat of the Year Millennium

Hard to believe another year has come to an end, I for one am ready to see 2008 come to a close and am anxious for a new year and new leadership for America. So, in honor of the end of the year we thought it was appropriate to name an Asshat of the Year. Any guesses as to who the honoree might be?

I got three letters for ya:

G.W.B.

I was sitting down today to write my thoughts about the outgoing lame ass duck President who is, and rightfully so, our asshat of the year. And then it struck me! He isn’t just asshat of the year, he is asshat of the millennium because believe it or not, Dubya is the only president we have had this millennium! Somehow that has a lot more weight when put in those terms.

I could write a whole vitriolic diatribe about this toolhole and his douchebaggery, but you know what, it’s like beating a brain damaged child at this point. I mean, what is the point about going on and on about the endless war in Iraq, the war at home on gays and immigrants and an economy that is circling the bowl? So instead of writing about that, I offer you this little slideshow of some of the best (read: worst) bits of the last eight years of America’s shame.

And no send off for Georgie boy would be complete without a few of our favorite quotes by the village idiot himself:

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

8) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

7) President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

6) "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

In a way, I'm gonna miss the old fucker, because we really did have some good laughs, didn't we? It was like 8 years of following Sarah Palin's twin brother around. On the other hand, it is hard to laugh when our civil liberties have been stripped away, our homes are being foreclosed on, we are losing our jobs and retirement savings and we are on the verge of economic collapse. Eh, I am still gonna laugh at the picture of that dumbass falling off his Segway and when I picture him choking on a pretzel. Good times.

Goodbye Mr. President and fuck you.

Happy New Year!

The 12 Days of Drunkmas

This one is for my Drunkcle. His stumbling, beer-reeking, slurred speech presence on Christmas Eve was always sure to ruin the family festivities. He would cop a feel of my cousin's (his niece) ass, accuse my dad of stealing his record albums and then regale us all with stories of his youth spent in Blues bars. Allegedly he was almost pummeled by the negros in the bar until the Blues singer yelled down from the stage, "Let that white boy dance!". This is my dear old Drunkcle, but since it seems everyone has a Drunkcle, feel free to change this to suit your own family lore this holiday season.

On the 1st day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked Cheri*, for two sloppy brinskis* and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, three frozen dog turds*, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 4th day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked from me, four rides to Rollo's*, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 5th day of Christmas, Drunkcle showed to me, 5 REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 6th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 6 stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 7th day of Christmas, Drunkcle stood next to me, 7 inches over 4 ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 8th day of Christmas, Drunkcle yelled at me, 8 milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 9th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 9 white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 10th day of Christmas, Drunkcle came to me, 10 fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, 11 ashtrays overflowing, ten fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 12th day of Christmas, Drunkcle drank for me, a 12 pack of Budweiser, eleven ashtrays overflowing, ten fist a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

Happy Holidays from my white trash family to yours!



*Cheri - slutty former stipper cousin with a tattoo of a money bag on her ass.

*Brinski- the act of placing your face in a women's cleavage and making a raspberry noise with your mouth while shaking your head from side to side.

*Frozen Dog Turds- what Drunkcle stepped in, causing an argument with my father, claiming they were from my parent's dog.

*Rollo's- Drunkcle's favorite bar. Where I mailed him the invitation to my wedding as there was no other way to get in touch with him.

Delish Asshat

Ok I have a question for you. What the fuck is the point of abbreviating something if each and everytime you use the abbreviation, you explain what it's short for? You're just making the sentence longer and you're ANNOYING THE SHIT OUTTA ME. Stick that in your EVOO and smoke it!
Thirty minute meals my ass. Yes they can be made in thirty minutes...if you buy the fresh, deveined, shelled shrimp, which run about more money per pound, if you can slice and dice better than Ron Popiel and if are uninterrupted by other members of your household. If you're a graduate of The Culinary Institute of America and have lots of money to spend on specialty items this is possible. In my house it takes me more than thirty minutes to make a goddamned peanut butter and jelly sandwich with all I have going on.
Oh and the language all her own. When she exclaims "Yummo!" while eating one of her "sammys". And the giggle. THE FUCKING GIGGLE! Nobody over the age of 17 should giggle least of all a multi-million dollar chef who is teaching people how to cook. I don't know which of these things kick in the gag reflex or if it's a combination of all of the above.
Ok I just put on her talk show to see what it was all about and it's worse than her fucking cooking shows! She's kvelling and ass kissing so bad she's gonna need a load of Chapstik after the show! I actually feel embarrassed watching her. I had to turn her off after about five minutes.
For now I'll stick to watching Tony Bourdain. I love his cynical ways and snarky attitude. Just my kind of guy. Begone Rachael Ray! And take your Asshat of the Day award with you!

Real Asshats Of Atlanta

I was watching Real Housewives of Atlanta the other day. Yes I know shame on me. But one of the women, I think her name is DeShawn, made me laugh. Apparently she's married to a basketball player. I don't follow basketball, or any sport for that matter, so I don't know who he is. So she's getting her children ready for school in the morning and the voice over is complaining about her husband being on the road six days a week and it's so hard for her to do this alone. Like a single parent. Yeah...with a cook, a housekeeper, a personal assistant who doubles as an "estate manager", a hair person and a make up person. Can you believe the BALLS on this woman? She should only have a hint of what it would be like to be a single parent, raising three children who has to hold down at least one job. I know she's very charitable but how dare she compare herself to a single parent! I sat here with my jaw in my lap when she ever said that. I mean she seems like a nice lady don't get me wrong but her perception of other people's reality is definitely skewed.
Also that show should not be called the real ANYTHING. None of those shows should have the word real in them. Most of those women are a real as their hair or their boobs. It should be called "The Rich, Pompous and Fake Housewives" of wherever.
And oh btw...Kim? Get a new hairdresser. That mess you have on your head in no way shape or form passes as hair. I looks like a hat. See picture above of Kim.

Food Bloggers

Dear Food Bloggers,

There is a reason that magazines and advertisers use a food stylist for their pictures. If you think these pictures look appetizing, it is time to get out of the trailer park a little more often.