Saturday, December 20, 2008

The 12 Days of Drunkmas


This one is for my Drunkcle. His stumbling, beer-reeking, slurred speech presence on Christmas Eve was always sure to ruin the family festivities. He would cop a feel of my cousin's (his niece) ass, accuse my dad of stealing his record albums and then regale us all with stories of his youth spent in Blues bars. Allegedly he was almost pummeled by the negros in the bar until the Blues singer yelled down from the stage, "Let that white boy dance!". This is my dear old Drunkcle, but since it seems everyone has a Drunkcle, feel free to change this to suit your own family lore this holiday season.

On the 1st day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked Cheri*, for two sloppy brinskis* and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, three frozen dog turds*, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 4th day of Christmas, Drunkcle asked from me, four rides to Rollo's*, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 5th day of Christmas, Drunkcle showed to me, 5 REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis, and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 6th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 6 stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 7th day of Christmas, Drunkcle stood next to me, 7 inches over 4 ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 8th day of Christmas, Drunkcle yelled at me, 8 milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 9th day of Christmas, Drunkcle told to me, 9 white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 10th day of Christmas, Drunkcle came to me, 10 fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Drunkcle gave to me, 11 ashtrays overflowing, ten fists a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4ft, six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

On the 12th day of Christmas, Drunkcle drank for me, a 12 pack of Budweiser, eleven ashtrays overflowing, ten fist a'swinging, nine white boys dancing, eight milk crates of records, 7 inches over 4 ft., six stories of his legendary, five REAL TEETH, four rides to Rollo's, three frozen dog turds, two sloppy brinskis and a trip to the penitentiary.

Happy Holidays from my white trash family to yours!

Photobucket

*Cheri - slutty former stipper cousin with a tattoo of a money bag on her ass.

*Brinski- the act of placing your face in a women's cleavage and making a raspberry noise with your mouth while shaking your head from side to side.

*Frozen Dog Turds- what Drunkcle stepped in, causing an argument with my father, claiming they were from my parent's dog.

*Rollo's- Drunkcle's favorite bar. Where I mailed him the invitation to my wedding as there was no other way to get in touch with him.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Delish Asshat




Ok I have a question for you. What the fuck is the point of abbreviating something if each and everytime you use the abbreviation, you explain what it's short for? You're just making the sentence longer and you're ANNOYING THE SHIT OUTTA ME. Stick that in your EVOO and smoke it!
Thirty minute meals my ass. Yes they can be made in thirty minutes...if you buy the fresh, deveined, shelled shrimp, which run about more money per pound, if you can slice and dice better than Ron Popiel and if are uninterrupted by other members of your household. If you're a graduate of The Culinary Institute of America and have lots of money to spend on specialty items this is possible. In my house it takes me more than thirty minutes to make a goddamned peanut butter and jelly sandwich with all I have going on.
Oh and the language all her own. When she exclaims "Yummo!" while eating one of her "sammys". And the giggle. THE FUCKING GIGGLE! Nobody over the age of 17 should giggle least of all a multi-million dollar chef who is teaching people how to cook. I don't know which of these things kick in the gag reflex or if it's a combination of all of the above.
Ok I just put on her talk show to see what it was all about and it's worse than her fucking cooking shows! She's kvelling and ass kissing so bad she's gonna need a load of Chapstik after the show! I actually feel embarrassed watching her. I had to turn her off after about five minutes.
For now I'll stick to watching Tony Bourdain. I love his cynical ways and snarky attitude. Just my kind of guy. Begone Rachael Ray! And take your Asshat of the Day award with you!

Photobucket

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Real Asshats Of Atlanta




I was watching Real Housewives of Atlanta the other day. Yes I know shame on me. But one of the women, I think her name is DeShawn, made me laugh. Apparently she's married to a basketball player. I don't follow basketball, or any sport for that matter, so I don't know who he is. So she's getting her children ready for school in the morning and the voice over is complaining about her husband being on the road six days a week and it's so hard for her to do this alone. Like a single parent. Yeah...with a cook, a housekeeper, a personal assistant who doubles as an "estate manager", a hair person and a make up person. Can you believe the BALLS on this woman? She should only have a hint of what it would be like to be a single parent, raising three children who has to hold down at least one job. I know she's very charitable but how dare she compare herself to a single parent! I sat here with my jaw in my lap when she ever said that. I mean she seems like a nice lady don't get me wrong but her perception of other people's reality is definitely skewed.
Also that show should not be called the real ANYTHING. None of those shows should have the word real in them. Most of those women are a real as their hair or their boobs. It should be called "The Rich, Pompous and Fake Housewives" of wherever.
And oh btw...Kim? Get a new hairdresser. That mess you have on your head in no way shape or form passes as hair. I looks like a hat. See picture above of Kim.



Photobucket